Be a knight in shining armor

In an ideal world, your significant other would get along swimmingly with all of your friends. They would, at the very least, respect each other, maybe even enjoy each other's company, and, if you're lucky, they might even become friends themselves. This isn't always the case, though. There may be that one friend whose personality just doesn't jive with your partners, and they tend to butt heads.



How do you handle this friction? Well, you hope that they handle it themselves, whether by acknowledging and respecting their proclivity to disagree, by avoiding conversation with each other, or by some other polite, mature solution. If this doesn't occur, you may find it to be in the best interests of both your friendship and your relationship to intervene.

• Simply keeping them away from each other is an easy fix, but it's not always feasible.
• Discuss the situation with each person individually: what is the source of the animosity, what could (s)he do to help to improve relations, what could the other person do to help, how would (s)he like to see the issue resolved, etc. It may be beneficial for you to play devil's advocate to help each person better understand the other side.
• Synthesize the information that you receive, and either make concrete recommendations to each person or suggest that they sit down together and work it out.
• Try not to show favoritism, even if you think that one person is "right" and the other is "wrong": the final objective is to resolve the conflict, not to declare a winner and a loser. Use your role as devil's advocate to demonstrate to each person, but especially the one whom you think is in the wrong, how his/her behavior is contributing to the problem and in what ways (s)he could make constructive changes.

Also, if you notice that most or all of your friends don't get along with your partner, you may want to investigate and reflect on why that may be. You'd like to think that your friends are a good judge of character, right?

Alternatively, there may be just one isolated incident of an argument between your partner and a friend. Again, you hope that they work things out themselves, but you may need to step in here as well.

One type of situation into which you most certainly should insert yourself is when there is outright mistreatment of your partner by your friend or vice versa. When anyone wrongs either of those people, you should have his/her back, but in this situation in particular, as the link between these people, you are in some ways accountable as a mediator.

I've heard horror stories in this category, but let's use a simple example: your friend calls your girlfriend a bitch.

If you're present when it happens, you definitely need to say something immediately. Something firm but not preachy, like, "Hey, not okay," should do the trick. If your friend tries to laugh it off, make it clear that neither you nor your girlfriend finds it funny. Make sure that your friend apologizes as well.

If you're not there, but your girlfriend reports to you, respectfully confront your friend about it. "Jessica told me that you called her a bitch. What's that all about?" Give your friend a chance to explain him-/herself and/or acknowledge fault. If an apology or admission of guilt isn't forthcoming, make clear that, regardless of the situation, there would have been better, less hurtful, and more respectful ways of dealing with it. Request that your friend apologize to your girlfriend as well.

In the rare instance that your friend relays the story to you first, thank him/her for being honest and recommend that (s)he address the situation with your girlfriend, if (s)he hasn't done so already. Mention the exchange to your girlfriend and discuss the ordeal with her, but only if she's interested in doing so.

Whatever you do, do NOT let it slide. This will have at least one of the following two results, and possibly others:

1. Your girlfriend will be very hurt. She'll conclude that you don't care about her enough to stand up for her, you agree that she's a bitch, and/or you favor your friend over her.
2. Your girlfriend will think that you are spineless and weak. This was your chance to be her knight in shining armor, but instead you cowered while the dragon whisked away your damsel in distress. At this point, she'd rather be with the dragon. At least he's assertive.

Provided that your friendship is healthy, any respectful dialogue with your friend about such an incident will not jeopardize the friendship. Most likely, even if your friend doesn't come to see his/her mistake, (s)he will recognize that you're sticking up for someone whom you care about, and (s)he will feel lucky to have someone like you as a friend, knowing that you would stick up for him/her as well.

Your partner will interpret your actions similarly, recognizing and appreciating them as a display of your love. What could be better than rescuing your girlfriend (or boyfriend!) from a dragon?

If nothing else will convince you, remember the Golden Rule. Would you want your partner to stick up for you if someone, particular one of his/her friends, wronged you?