Listen to this

Listening is a highly undervalued skill in today's society. As far as I can tell, this is a result of several social phenomena: television has ruined our attention spans such that we are unable to focus on anything for longer than five minutes without expecting a commercial break; texting, email, Twitter, and Facebook have nearly eliminated the existence of verbal communication in many people's lives; and the rampant vanity in our culture has made the norm being too wrapped up in one's own life and thoughts to take an interest in anyone else's. The irony is that now, more than ever, the value of listening is at a premium, since the world is swirling with more accessible information than ever before.

That being said, however, listening has always been, and always will be, of utmost importance in interpersonal relationships. First and foremost, it's a sign of respect, and it also facilitates productive communication, which is a requirement of a healthy relationship of any kind--professional, social, romantic, etc. Being a good listener will benefit you in all aspects of your life; the only way that it might "hurt" you is that you might be better able to tell when someone else is doing something hurtful to you--like not being a good listener. But in the end, the ability to detect that will benefit you as well, as you'll know when it's time to kick someone to the curb.

Note that there is a difference between hearing and listening: you can hear something without listening to it. Riding the subway and checking your email, you will hear the din of the train and the murmur of the conversations around you, but you won't be listening to them; your brain will be focused on the content of your emails. Likewise, if your partner is talking to you, but you're preoccupied with what you're going to wear for your big meeting tomorrow, you might be able to hear him/her, and maybe even repeat back the most recent sentence or two that (s)he said, but you will not have actually absorbed, registered, or understood your partner's point, and come tomorrow, you probably won't be able to recall it.

Try to actively practice listening. Consciously control your mind, preventing yourself from becoming distracted from the words and message of the person speaking. If you're aware enough, you may be able to track when or why you tend to get distracted and maybe even detect a pattern that can then help you to know how to best prevent distraction (but don't let this practice disrupt your listening). When you do sense your mind wandering, consciously tell yourself (but not out loud!), "No! Pay attention to what this person is saying! Don't be rude!" or whatever else will motivate you to listen.

One of the tactics that I find to be the most helpful in being a good listener is to make eye contact with the person who is speaking. This will indicate to your brain that this is where you should direct your focus, and it also might make you feel guilty or uncomfortable if your mind starts to wander, knowing that the person speaking is "watching" you become distracted--and I'm sure that you know as well as I do that it really isn't that hard to tell whether or not someone is listening.

Being a good listener is a prerequisite of being a good conversationalist. You may be skilled at coming up with topics to discuss or stories of your own to share, but if you aren't attuned to what the other person is contributing in response, your choices about where to lead the conversation will not make sense, and your lack of attention will be reflected--and noted. Listen to what (s)he is saying, and thoughtfully consider his/her point prior to and while formulating your own response. This may seem like Communication 101 to some of you, but I know that there are others to whom this is news--and that's okay! Just follow this advice from here on out.

In a relationship, one of the most convincing ways to show your affection is to listen to, remember, and act upon something that your partner has said--her favorite type of cereal, a book that he's been wanting to read, her favorite place to go when it rains. This will demonstrate that you care and respect him/her enough to not only listen to what (s)he says but also actually do something with him/her in mind. You will be rewarded with love and affection in kind, as well as a thriving relationship.

So go put those ears to work! As always, let me know if you have any questions/comments/suggestions/stories/etc :)

Do's and don't's of asking someone out

Although I would identify getting someone's number as the apex of the meeting/flirting/dating process, I've noticed that an appallingly significant number of people struggle with what I would consider the home stretch: asking the person out. There is no singular right way to do it, but there certainly are (very) wrong ways to do it.

There are two factors to consider in the way that you ask someone out: medium and content.

Medium

• Asking in person or over the telephone is preferable--almost to the point of exclusive acceptability.
• Texting is NOT okay. Do NOT text to ask someone out. If you have his/her number, call. Calling will demonstrate your confidence and that you respect the person enough to make the effort.
• Use Facebook only if you have no other way to contact the person. Send a message; do NOT do anything public like write on his/her wall or post a status. Ideally, you would send a message asking for his/her number so that you could then call to properly ask him/her out, but if you feel that that would unduly complicate the situation, just keep it to the one step.
• Do NOT tweet. This may sound absurd to some (hopefully most or all) of you, and I certainly never thought that I'd have to explicitly discourage this behavior--until it happened to me. Again, only if you have no other way of contacting the person, send him/her a direct message (or, if (s)he doesn't follow you, tweet at him/her asking for a follow so that you can send a DM--but keep in mind that if you are connected to this person only through Twitter and (s)he doesn't even follow you, you might want to think twice about how appropriate it would be for you to ask him/her out).
• Bottom line: choose a medium that allows your request to be private, sincere, and respectful.

Content 

• Propose a specific plan, including both activity and time frame. If you feel that this is not sufficiently accommodating, you can propose two alternative activities and time frames, or, if, for example, you suggest dinner and a particular show, you can let your date choose where to go for dinner, since you chose the show. Of course, let your date know that if this plan is not pleasing to him/her, (s)he can feel free to suggest something else. Here are some examples: "I'd really like to [take you out to dinner and a show at Jazz Alley] [take you to see the Medieval Ivory Chessmen exhibit at the Met and then to dinner] [take you to lunch and then go to a pumpkin patch] [take you to brunch and then to the zoo]. Would [Tuesday] [Saturday] [or you can suggest multiple days] work?"
• Do NOT say something vague and half-assed like, "So when are we getting together?" or "So when are we gonna go out?" You might prefer this tactic because you think that it seems casual and fun or something, but it is not a proper method--there are other ways to convey these attributes, which you should have done already.
• Going the specific plan route as opposed to the open-ended, "Would you like to go out with me on Wednesday?" route demonstrates your creativity, personality, and, as always, confidence. As described above, you can be accommodating without being boring or weak. Use as much information as you have about your date when choosing which activity to propose--for example, if you know that (s)he likes sports, suggest getting dinner and drinks while watching the game in a bar/restaurant, and if you know that (s)he hates sports, don't suggest this!

Good luck! As always, contact me if you have any questions!

Holla at me

My point today is short and sweet: when you see someone you want to talk to, do it!

Think about it: this holds true whether you know the person or not. For example, if you had something that you needed to tell your friend, and you saw your friend, wouldn't you talk to him? Of course you would--you would say what you needed to tell him.

The same attitude should be taken in regard to talking to that dreamy blonde you see at the other end of the bar or that gorgeous brunette you see across the produce section.

I can hear you arguing with me. "But I don't really have anything to say to him/her! Well, except, 'DAYUM, shorty!!'"

There are two possible responses to this:

1. True: the only thing that you have to say is that you find that person very attractive. Okay... so say THAT! In other words, use the direct approach. Most people will find this easier in a venue like a bar rather than a grocery store, but it works everywhere. Seriously. I had a guy use the direct approach on me in Barnes and Noble the other day. Surely, it isn't the most graceful tactic, but that doesn't mean that it isn't effective.
2. False: there are tons of other things that you can say. Use your imagination! Of course, the more clever and witty it is, the better, but your goal isn't to bring the house down; fundamentally, your goal is to engage that person, and in that sense, it does not matter what you say. I know that can be tough to keep in mind, but saying, "Gosh, doesn't this lettuce look great?" and then launching into a description of the salad that you're planning to make truly is better than saying nothing; after all, if you talk about the lettuce, you've achieved your goal of engaging the person, whereas if you say nothing, you have failed.

Of course, we cannot ignore the possibility of adverse circumstances, which would apply to the scenario involving your friend as well. Let's say you need to tell your friend something in private, but he is with a bunch of other people and you can't get him alone, or you see him but can't catch up to him to actually speak to him. These sorts of complications inevitably will arise in your attempts to talk to individuals of interest, and sometimes they are insurmountable. Other times, however, we allow them to be insurmountable when we really could have taken other actions to circumvent them. In the friend scenario, your need to speak with him may not be urgent, and you know that you will have another opportunity to communicate, whether in person or via another medium; he is not about to leave your life forever. As such, if a small obstacle presents itself, it may be a poor use of your time and energy to attempt to get around it.

On the other hand, chances are that you will not have another opportunity to engage a stranger, so you'd better step up to the plate now. Do not trick yourself into thinking that "not having anything funny to say" is a legitimate, insurmountable reason to not talk to someone. Always remember: go get it or regret it. Time for a sports analogy: you can either sit on the bench or go to bat; you may strike out and end up right back on the bench anyway, but you may hit a homerun, and either way, stepping into the box will most assuredly better prepare you for your next at-bat than will watching from the dugout. Do not allow fear of failure to become an obstacle to success. Rather, embrace opportunities to challenge yourself. Succeeding will be that much more rewarding if it is achieved through difficulty, and even if you don't accomplish your goal per se, you will have learned something in the process, will have grown as a person, and will be ready for the next test.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...

In all likelihood, if you find someone attractive, other people do, too, in one way or another. This means that you will need to compete for your target's attention, with your "competition" being comprised of other potential pursuers, his/her friends, and really anyone else who happens to be around.

There are three ways to deal with this: the right way, the wrong way, and the really wrong way.

The right way
Befriend your competition. Display your amiability by introducing yourself to your target's entire group of friends, shaking each person's hand, and making a mental note of everyone's name. This will minimize your potential creep factor, make you less intimidating, and make everyone more likely to welcome you. Also, keep in mind that his/her friends do ultimately have a say in whether or not you get the number (and/or get laid), so you want them on your side.

This applies particularly to the members of the group who are the same sex as you--you'll display massive confidence by chumming up to them, and if you get their vote of approval, your target will notice and factor that into his/her own decision.

If there are other pursuers around, befriend them as well--after all, you might not be able to tell the difference between friends and pursuers when you first approach the group. Again, this will show your confidence as well as create an opportunity for these pursuers to mess up and choose to behave in the wrong or really wrong way--which makes you look that much better.

The wrong way
Be apathetic. Maybe smile or maybe even acknowledge others in the group, but generally do not actively engage them. This will make you look boring and diffident--i.e. not attractive.

The really wrong way
Antagonize your competition. Actively prevent other people (particular those of your sex) from talking to your target. Completely ignore his/her friends or others around. You will seem possessive, jealous, and immature. Avoid these behaviors by all means and at all times.

"Apology accepted, Captain Needa..."

Uh oh: you did something that upset someone else. That person is angry, confused, offended, sad, etc--and those emotions were caused by and/or are directed at you. Now what?

1. Assess the situation. How did the dispute arise? What specifically did you say or do that evoked the negative response from the other person? What were your reasons/motivations for saying or doing this? Did you intend to or knowingly elicit the negative reaction, or was there a misunderstanding?
2. Swallow your pride. This step might be required mostly for those who are not practiced at apologizing--it does get easier the more you do it; however, I know that I still encounter the occasional situation where I have to dig deep to convince myself to step up to the plate and just spit it out. You can do it!!!!!!
   
3. Apologize. Once you have the situation straight in your head, you can know exactly what it is for which you are apologizing. A couple of notes on this: a) Apologize only when you are sorry; do not say that you're sorry only because you think that the other person wants to hear that. While it may diffuse this particular situation, it will dilute your apologies, rendering them meaningless in the long term. b) Apologize only for the action/event for which you are sorry. For example, if you agree that your words/deeds put you in the wrong, apologize for them; however, if you do not believe that, then simply apologize for creating a negative situation, and go on to try to clarify your words/actions. c) Saying, "I'm sorry," as opposed to a mere, "Sorry," sounds much more sincere--opt to use the former.
   
4. Discuss and/or explain as necessary. Never ruin an apology with an excuse; however, it might be appropriate to clear up a misunderstanding or explain your intentions.
5. Avoid these actions in the future. Remember, actions speak more loudly than words: your apology will seem empty if your behavior doesn't change. When I was younger, I did something to my brother that I had done before and knew he didn't like. I apologized afterward, but he responded, "If you were really sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place." Saying that you're sorry without modifying your actions is equivalent to lying; therefore, continuing to do or say something that you know will upset someone else and for which you have apologized in the past is not only inconsiderate but also dishonest--and should be avoided. If you can find no other motivation to refrain from engaging in such behavior, try to remember the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Apologizing is not easy, as it requires (implicitly or explicitly) admitting that you were wrong, but it can do wonders for a relationship of any kind. Refusing to apologize can turn a non-issue into a catastrophic division, whereas apologizing, even for something that may have been brushed under the rug regardless, helps to build trust and mutual respect.

Your thoughts are worth more than a penny

Voicing your thoughts, emotions, and desires can be a daunting task: you're putting your insides on display, thereby opening yourself up to scrutiny and ridicule. What often goes unacknowledged, however, is that you also are creating an opportunity for validation and possibly even the recruitment of assistance in realizing your desires.

For example, let's pretend that your career goal is to be a world-renowned actor. While not unattainable, it certainly is lofty--and therefore may be a bit embarrassing to disclose. Pessimistic responses to such an admission would not be uncommon, as the odds are against you. However, you just as easily could be met with encouragement from those who have seen you act, and it's entirely possible that anyone whom you encounter--friends or strangers--might know someone in the business who could provide assistance in your career advancement!

The same scenario could surface in connection to matters of the heart. You're interested in someone and would like to ask her out; you'd like your boyfriend to stop using pet names in front of your friends; you want to "become official" with the girl you're dating; you want to break up. Upon expressing these feelings and wishes, you may be met with contradiction: "That's very sweet, but I see you as a really good friend--nothing more." "Schnookums! What?! You don't like it when I call you Pumpkin in front of other people?? Well I don't think I can stop!" "I'm not ready for that commitment yet..." "ARE YOU @!*&ING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!?!"

The threat of these responses may overpower any urge to share these feelings, but if your optimism does manage to prevail, you may be pleasantly surprised by a response that offers not only confirmation of your sentiment but also maybe even assistance in realizing it: "Dinner tomorrow night sounds fantastic. I can't wait!" "Haha, I was just doing it because I thought you liked it! I love our pet names, but I'd rather keep them as our little secret." "I've been waiting for you to ask me that! *make out*" "Yeah.... it's time."

Here is an anecdotal example: My friend "Helen" went on a fantastic first date that was practically straight out of a movie. The attraction was tangible, and there was even a beach make-out. Plans for a second date were discussed, but days passed before he called again, and when he finally did, it was to say that he couldn't see her anymore: she was too sweet, and he was trouble--he'd just end up being an asshole to her.

Needless to say, she was upset, both because she was disappointed that it hadn't worked out and because she was miffed that he would make that decision for her--how did he know how sweet she was or how much asshole she could handle?

After stewing for a couple weeks, she ended up seeing him again at a gathering of mutual friends. A couple of his good friends discussed the topic with her; their comments assured her that he really did like her as much as it had seemed on the date--and one of them mentioned that it is very rare for him to really like a girl. My friend voiced her frustration to one of them, who encouraged her to go to the guy and tell him all of what she was feeling.

So she did. After she had gotten through several sentences conveying the gist of her sentiments, he interrupted her with a long kiss.

Again, it could be straight out of a movie. But it's real life, and it could happen to you too--if you make it happen. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, "Go get it or regret it!" It always applies!

hy HOTTIE!@!! Durnk txting iz emBARAsingg

You're out with your friends. "Next round's on me!" is the most commonly uttered phrase. The night is going great--but then your alcohol-saturated brain decides that you just HAVE to text your latest love interest.

Oh, boy.

Some of us announce this decision to our comrades, who naturally egg us on. "Omg, YES!!!! See what (s)he's up to! Maybe y'all can GET DOWN later, WINK WINK!!!!" "HELLLLLLL YEAAHHH!"

Others play it cool, calmly and quietly removing our phones from our pockets and firing off a text without consulting our friends--perhaps for fear of chastisement, or at least adverse advice, or merely due to a natural proclivity for discretion.

But all of us will come to regret it later--maybe not on every occasion, as there are times when we've thanked our lucky stars that the recipient of our drunk texts has chosen to hit the bottle that night as well and even has responded in kind. And perhaps there are those of you whose sense of dignity has developed in such a way that hindsight of such texts does not evoke shame.

The popularity of the website Texts From Last Night provides unyielding support for why it is wise to not drink and text. While the result may be hilarious, that hilarity could come at your expense, and almost invariably, you will be humiliated.

For those of you who have identified that you are prone to such behavior, take necessary precautions to avoid it. Ultimately, it will be up to you to determine which prevention methods are most effective, but here are some tips to get you started on the road to recovery:

1. Give your phone to a trusted friend. I know that relinquishing possession of your phone is akin to separating your body from your soul, but it is a sure-fire way to avoid drunk texting.
2. Delete the numbers of likely recipients. This can be a hassle, since you'll need to remember to write them down elsewhere, lest lose them forever, but in a pinch, you can have a friend save them in his/her contacts list for future retrieval. Alternatively, you can trick your drunk self by saving them under an alias, but you run the risk of your drunk self outsmarting your expectations.
3. Ask a friend to be on text-watch. Enlist the services of a trusted companion by requesting that (s)he watch your fingers' every move. This is an effective tactic if you have a dedicated assistant who will be by your side for the whole night and who won't get too drunk him-/herself to neglect his/her duties, so choose wisely.
4. Make a habit of seeking advice on your drunken actions. Whenever your intoxicated brain conceives an idea, run it by your friends for confirmation before carrying it out. Even if they all are drunk as well, there's a chance that you have at least one friend who manages to remain somewhat reasonable regardless of blood alcohol content; make note of who this is, and LISTEN! If no such friend exists, this tactic will work against you.

If you do send an embarrassing drunk text littered with hashtags and laden with sexual innuendos, address the situation the next day (assuming that you've managed to sober up by then). Apologize for the disturbance and for anything inappropriate that you said, and try to laugh about it--provided that the recipient is laughing about it as well. If (s)he takes it seriously, then you need to take it seriously, too. Sexually explicit texts can be serious grounds for sexual assault charges, so if you were unwise in what you chose to write, please be certain to be wise in how you handle the fallout.

In most cases, however, the worst charge you'll face is being an immature, irresponsible dimwit, an accusation that you should accept with a smile, a laugh, an apology, and a vow--to the recipient and to yourself--to avoid such actions in the future.

Go get it or regret it

We have all been there. The cute barista. The guy in the suit on the subway. The blonde in the blue dress on Main Street. The scruffy cowboy sitting at the other end of the bar. You see them. They see you. You make eye contact. You even hold eye contact.

But that’s the end of the story. I don’t know about you, but that’s not a movie that I’d recommend to my friends.

As if the story itself weren’t bad enough, the aftermath is even worse. Regret plagues you at least into the next day: “I cannot believe I didn’t talk to her…” Naturally, you invent scores of witty remarks that you could have made: “Oh, that would’ve been so funny! Aarrrghh!!!!!!” No one else you see compares: “How could I have passed up the opportunity to talk to the guy who is apparently the hottest male in this city?!” You beat yourself up incessantly, wondering why, why, WHY you couldn’t manage to muster the courage to initiate a conversation when you had the chance—and chances are, it was your only chance.

In the moment, of course, the task seems quite daunting: “What do I say? What if I stutter? Could I have something stuck in my teeth? What if he has a girlfriend? What if he completely rejects me?” It therefore becomes very easy to talk yourself out of it: “I don’t even look that cute today. He probably wouldn’t even be interested. A guy that attractive couldn’t possibly NOT already be attached. I don’t even know what to say anyway. I’d probably make a complete idiot out of myself.”

But a minute later, when the opportunity has passed, your mistake is unmistakable: “Wow, really? You just let a gorgeous woman walk out of your life without even speaking to her? Just because you were afraid of a little rejection? Yeah, that’s some substantial justification. Choo choo, Excuse Train, coming through! This is the Coward Cove Station. Next stop, Lonely Land!”

In the absence of a time machine, the only remedy is to learn from your mistakes and make a better decision the next time. When I need a reminder of how to avoid this frustration, I tell myself, “Go get it or regret it.”

When faced with the choice between a) possibly having to swallow my pride at the hands of rejection but possibly getting the chance to bask in the joyous accomplishment of manning up (!) or b) most certainly feeling remorse for an indefinite period of time and most certainly not having a shot with this particular attractive man/woman, I think it’s only logical to choose the former.

Even if you don’t “get it,” you’ll regret it more if you don’t even try. But if you don’t try, you definitely won’t “get it.” So, always remember, go get it or regret it!

Summer date ideas

Something simpler today: date ideas!

Since it's summer right now (well...almost!), I'm going to stick to listing only sun-friendly suggestions, and I'll save the winter date ideas for a later post.

Baseball game. From April through October (if you're lucky), and even in February and March if you live in Arizona or Florida, one of your greatest options is a good old baseball game. First of all, it's something to do, which is a good start, and it's an activity that not only allows for conversation but actually provides the perfect backdrop for it and can even feed it (commentary on the game/players, asking/answering questions about the rules, talking to/about other fans, etc). It's also really inexpensive, particularly in comparison to other professional sporting events. Most box offices sell tickets for under $10, and if your team is bad, you can easily get $5 tickets from scalpers or websites like StubHub. Really, the only risk you run in suggesting this--aside from your date getting beaned by a wayward foul ball--is that the person you're asking doesn't like baseball. And then you wouldn't want to date him/her anyway...... just kidding. If that's the case, (s)he'll probably say so, and then one of you can suggest something else instead.

If your city has an MLS team, you can go to a soccer game instead, but tickets tend to be much more expensive than for baseball games, and the continuous action doesn't lend itself as well to conversation. Still, if your date loves soccer, I'm sure (s)he would be thrilled to go.

Walk. Going for a walk is always sweet and romantic, and you're likely to encounter various points and/or people of interest along the way to prevent any potential monotony. It also obviously facilitates conversation very well, and getting some sunshine while exercising will naturally brighten your mood.

If you're up for it, try going on a really long walk with a destination in mind. It's a challenge and adventure that you can share with your date (probably best with someone whom you've been dating for at least a little while). You can walk farther than you think!

Hike. It's like a walk, but with a particularly outdoorsy leaning. Choose your own preference, and use your judgment to decide which your date would prefer. Or, if you date long enough, you can do both!

Bike ride. Again, absorbing some Vitamin D while increasing your production of endorphins will make you glow inside and out--thereby putting you in perfect condition to make a great impression on your date. While it is possible to have a conversation, it's a little more difficult, so you might want to save this idea for someone whom you've been seeing for a while already and not a first date.

Zoo. It's like going for a walk but with entertainment in the form of intriguing, adorable, scary, ugly, moody, snuggly, stupid, goofy, clumsy, clever, and generally amazing animals. People tend to scoff at this idea at first, passing it off as silly, but I've never heard someone regret going to the zoo--or have anything but a fantastic and fun time.

Fake tourists. Pretend you are tourists in your own city. Go see the sights. Take the tours. Pose at the token photo spots. Eat at the famous restaurants, or use a guidebook or sites like Yelp to find new places to try. Chances are you'll do some things that you've never done before, and you'll have tons of activity to keep you busy and fuel conversation.

Picnic. Unless your date is deathly allergic to bees, this is tough to beat as a date. It sets a great romantic vibe, but not overwhelmingly so, and you can still feel relaxed because the setting is very casual (park, beach, etc). Plus packing your own food is cheaper than going out to eat!

Jog/other outdoor workout. If you fitness buffs out there have found your match, don't be shy about asking him/her to join you for a workout. Some people do strongly prefer to keep exercise a solo activity, but many people enjoy the social and/or competitive aspect of having company. Plus, let's be honest: exercising is sexy! And guys, don't worry about being too sweaty: studies have shown that male sweat actually attracts females.

Play catch, frisbee, ping-pong, etc. There are tons of casual, outdoor sporting activities that you can do, and if you're in a quiet enough area, you can still talk. It might not be the best for a first date, but you definitely can still do it in the getting-to-know-each-other phase. Plus, if you have serious skills, you can show off :) Depending on what you play, you also can insert the flirtatious, competitive aspect into it. One note: outdoor ping-pong can be frustrating in the wind, so pick your spot carefully!

I think you get the idea. Go outside, get some sun, incorporate some physical activity, and make sure that you are able to talk to each other (particularly in the early stages of dating). Every city has its own great date destinations, so make sure to utilize the ones particular to your area.

One more word of advice: please avoid going to a movie for a first--or even second or third--date. It eliminates all chance of conversation and therefore getting to know each other, which is the entire purpose of going on a date. There are countless other options (even in the winter but especially in the summer) that will be a better use of your time and money!

Have fun! Feel free to comment with your own ideas.

Whatever happened to, "Excuse me, may I have this dance?"

To build off of yesterday's post, another offensive tactic to avoid is the blindside grind, i.e. sneaking up behind a woman on the dance floor and starting to grind with her without saying a word or even making eye contact with her. Not only is this disrespectful and a complete violation of personal space considerations, but it is also, of course, creepy. Having a complete stranger rub his junk all over your butt can be uncomfortable enough, so when you haven't even been given the opportunity to see, speak to, or otherwise assess the stranger, it is an even more unpleasant experience.

If respect for the woman's preferences in this situation is not sufficient to deter you from engaging in this behavior, consider the following scenario, played out in an episode of "How I Met Your Mother": At a nightclub, Barney picks out a woman who looks attractive--from behind, anyway, since that's the only view from which he's seen her. He comes up behind her and starts freaking with her. They get down and dirty all night, but when she finally turns around, presumably to start making out with him, they realize in disgust that they are cousins.

In case you missed it, incest is both illegal and gross. You wouldn't want that to happen to you.

I'm sure some of you might be thinking that your only chance of getting a woman to dance with you is by imposing your will upon her and eliminating her opportunity to contribute to the decision. I promise that that is not true. First of all, the blindside grind is not foolproof, as you're likely to encounter many women who, in response to feeling contact on their backside, will turn around and will not be pleased when they discover the explanation for it--nor eager to dance with you. As such, even if your success rate with other tactics isn't perfect, you certainly will have just as much, if not more, success, while possibly laying the foundation for a more lasting interaction. Aside from that, please keep in mind that any guy, including you, can get a girl to not only dance with him but want to dance with him.

And that is the goal: to make a woman want to dance with you. Nobody--neither the giver nor the receiver--wants a pity dance!

Some things to consider:

1. You need to say something. In case I didn't make it clear before, either in this post or yesterday's, being silent is creepy when combined with an ambush of unsolicited physical contact.
   
2. Talking on the dance floor is difficult: the music is loud, so you have to yell right into each other's ears, which doesn't necessarily facilitate dancing, which theoretically is what you should be doing on the dance floor. For this reason, you should try to carry on as much conversation as possible off the dance floor, and keep conversation on the dance floor brief. If you can, approach a woman when she is not on the dance floor, so that you can open her with a comment or question that will lead to a more extended conversation. If you need to approach her on the floor, though, keep it simple: if you can open with a joke, another witty comment, or a funny dance move, that's your best option, but if not, there's nothing wrong with introducing yourself and asking if she'd like to dance. As long as you're friendly and polite, most women won't say no.
3. As long as you're friendly and polite, most women won't say no. I'm reiterating this in order to emphasize that you should not be intimidated! While merely being friendly and polite might not be quite enough to achieve "the goal," you will most likely achieve the intermediate goal of getting a woman to dance with you--and that is important too.
   
4. But some women really do just want to dance with their girlfriends. If you encounter one (or more) of these women, which you inevitably will, please do not take her refusal personally; it really does not have anything to do with you. However, even this type of woman won't mind engaging in a brief dialogue with you, as long as you are polite, but it might be just long enough for her to tell you that she's already dancing with someone--and point to her friends.
5. All women love getting attention from men--including the type described above. Seriously. As utterly irritating and appalling as it is when creeps grab our asses while whispering, "Heeeeyyy" and raising their eyebrows suggestively--and don't get me wrong, we do hate that--somewhere not too deep down, a little voice inside us shouts, "YAY! SOMEONE THINKS I'M ATTRACTIVE! PAAARRRTTAAAYYY!" So if you think a woman deserves attention, by all means, give it to her!
   
6. Some women are bitchy, and all of us act like it on occasion. You also inevitably will encounter a bitch and/or a woman acting like one. Again, don't take her rejection personally, and always keep in mind that you would not want to be involved with someone like that anyway. I know it's a bit cliche, but seriously: her loss, not yours!
   

Possible tactics:

1. Off the dance floor: Open with something from your standard stock--direct approach or anything indirect, such as jokes, situational openers, or anything else that comes to your mind. After you've initiated the interaction and the conversation has been flowing for a bit, you can either ask her right then to dance ("Omg, I LOVE this song! Come dance with me!" "K, this is really embarrassing, but I'm a horrible dancer, so one of my New Year's Resolutions was to practice... Can you show me some moves?" or you can always opt for the simple, "So.. would you like to dance?"), or you can leave the conversation with, "Listen, I gotta get back to my friends, but I'm gonna find you later and we're gonna tear up the dance floor," and then of course follow through with that.
   
2. On the dance floor: As I've said, you want to keep talking to a minimum. If you're a good dancer, it's easy to get a woman's attention: just ease your way over to her general vicinity and start workin' it. Ladies loooove guys who can dance, so don't worry: she will notice. Those of you with two left feet, don't sweat it! The absolute worst thing that you can do is feel self-conscious--your discomfort will be obvious, making her uncomfortable too, and you will convey a distinct lack of confidence, which is the opposite of what will attract a woman! I know that it's easier said than done, but just relax and have a good time. Be crazy and goofy and wild and silly on the dance floor. She may or may not be able to tell that you're no Fred Astaire, but she will be able to tell that you're a boatload of fun.
   

Things to avoid doing:

1. The blindside grind. Do not do it.
   
2. Off the dance floor, if you decide to ask her to dance during the original interaction, make sure you don't ask too soon. You need to build attraction, or at least some general rapport, in order for her to want to dance with you. If you ask her immediately after the perfunctory introductions and greetings, you haven't given yourself a chance to demonstrate why she should want to dance with you; all she knows is that your name is Ben and your night's going well so far. Great... so what?
3. Too many guys (either solo or in a group) try the awkward circle merge, i.e. the joining of dancing groups. This definitely can work, but I've seen it fail way more often than succeed. That is because guys most often do the following: awkwardly and unenthusiastically dance near the girls for a bit while making awkward and confused eye contact with them, and then awkwardly try to start grinding with one of them after having been awkwardly silent the entire time that they've been awkwardly dancing near them. (Are you sensing the theme with this scenario?) Please, whether you are flying solo in the expedition or are buttressed by your buddies, do not do any of that! Instead, make a bold first impression! Bound over to the girls, and maybe even let out a shout while you bust your most dynamic moves. Throw in some crazy facial expressions for good measure. Be prepared for the occasional bitchy reaction ("Omg, who the hell is this guy and what is wrong with him. Let's relocate, gurlz!"), but most normal women will love your fun-loving demeanor and may be inspired to start dancing all out crazily with you. This tactic will serve you the best if you're in a group as well.
   

Can't touch this

Every woman has experienced it: we're fighting through the crowd at a club or bar, and suddenly, we feel a squeeze--on our hand, our arm, or even our butt. We turn around to find the source of this sensation and find a guy, smirking and/or raising his eyebrows suggestively. He could be younger, older, attractive, or disfigured, but at that point, he is invariably one thing: creepy.

Guys, please, I'm begging you: do not do this! There are countless better (i.e. more effective, more respectful, more creative, less creepy, etc) ways to get a woman's attention--well, positive attention, anyway. There isn't really a better way to get a woman's negative attention than grabbing or groping her inappropriately. So, I repeat, do not do this!

Please note that women will not be repelled by all touching from strangers; there is a right way to do it. Below are rules to follow when engaging in physical contact with a woman whom you haven't met. Slightly different rules apply once you are engaged in conversation.

1. Do not grab. grab [grab], verb: to seize suddenly or quickly; snatch; clutch (from Dictionary.com). Do not wrap any part of your body around any part of her body. This includes grasping her hand, squeezing her arm, embracing her, and, yes, grabbing her ass.
2. Do touch gently and briefly. A light touch will get her attention and indicate your romantic/sexual interest, as well as pique her sexual contemplations and get her thinking about what it's like to be skin-to-skin with you (subconsciously, of course). Make it brief, so that she doesn't become creeped out or anxious about when you're going to stop, but not too brief, so that her brain has time to receive the feeling and evaluate it. Also, be sure to touch in such a way that she knows it's intentional--a touch too light and casual will be ignored as a mere brush from someone passing through the crowd.
3. Do not touch her in private areas. By "private areas" I mean face, chest, butt, and nether-region/inner thighs; however, everyone has their own standard of propriety, so to play it safe, stick to the arms only, or just keep your hands to yourself until your conversation has allowed you to reach a further level of comfort.
4. Do try playful touching. An alternative to the sweet, polite arm touch is the playful high-five or even a light kick. Many women will dig the fun, outgoing vibe that this type of behavior exudes, and it's a great way to start the kino escalation process without overtly displaying your interest, if you're not quite ready to do that.
5. Do not accompany touching with mindless and/or creepy drawl. Grabbing a woman's ass as you whisper, "Heeeeyy" into her ear will do nothing but get you slapped. Even if you apply proper touching techniques, however, such as softly but deliberately placing your hand on her arm, opening with, "Daaaamn" will not be effective.
6. Do say something, though. Touching silently is arguably creepier than actually saying something creepy, so make sure that something comes out of your mouth when you touch a woman. First and foremost, it's generally a good idea to follow your touch with "excuse me"--not only will you be being polite, you also will be demonstrating to her that you are polite and well-mannered. Beyond that, your choice about what to say is up to you. You can try the direct approach, in which case you would say something like, "I'm sure you get this all the time, but I saw you from across the room, and I just had to come talk to you. You're so beautiful/I'm seriously digging your vibe. I'm John. What is your name?" Or you can try the indirect approach, in which case there's no limit to what you can choose to say. There's the ever-popular "I need a woman's opinion..." stock of questions, as well as innumerable tried and true openers that PUA's used to use and to which many women would still be receptive. You also can invent your own openers based on your personality and experiences. Whatever you choose, make sure it's clever and unique and can create a foundation for a conversation.
   
7. Smile. There are an infinite number of reasons to do this, but I'll mention just a few. Smiling exudes many positive traits, including confidence, friendliness, and a sense of humor. It's contagious, so she'll be more likely to smile, and trust me, that is what you want. If you touch her without smiling, not only will she not infer your possession of all of those positive characteristics, she also will think either you take yourself too seriously as a "pimp" or you are a rapist.

Remember, a woman will be much more interested in interacting with you if she feels that you respect her.

Be a knight in shining armor

In an ideal world, your significant other would get along swimmingly with all of your friends. They would, at the very least, respect each other, maybe even enjoy each other's company, and, if you're lucky, they might even become friends themselves. This isn't always the case, though. There may be that one friend whose personality just doesn't jive with your partners, and they tend to butt heads.



How do you handle this friction? Well, you hope that they handle it themselves, whether by acknowledging and respecting their proclivity to disagree, by avoiding conversation with each other, or by some other polite, mature solution. If this doesn't occur, you may find it to be in the best interests of both your friendship and your relationship to intervene.

• Simply keeping them away from each other is an easy fix, but it's not always feasible.
• Discuss the situation with each person individually: what is the source of the animosity, what could (s)he do to help to improve relations, what could the other person do to help, how would (s)he like to see the issue resolved, etc. It may be beneficial for you to play devil's advocate to help each person better understand the other side.
• Synthesize the information that you receive, and either make concrete recommendations to each person or suggest that they sit down together and work it out.
• Try not to show favoritism, even if you think that one person is "right" and the other is "wrong": the final objective is to resolve the conflict, not to declare a winner and a loser. Use your role as devil's advocate to demonstrate to each person, but especially the one whom you think is in the wrong, how his/her behavior is contributing to the problem and in what ways (s)he could make constructive changes.

Also, if you notice that most or all of your friends don't get along with your partner, you may want to investigate and reflect on why that may be. You'd like to think that your friends are a good judge of character, right?

Alternatively, there may be just one isolated incident of an argument between your partner and a friend. Again, you hope that they work things out themselves, but you may need to step in here as well.

One type of situation into which you most certainly should insert yourself is when there is outright mistreatment of your partner by your friend or vice versa. When anyone wrongs either of those people, you should have his/her back, but in this situation in particular, as the link between these people, you are in some ways accountable as a mediator.

I've heard horror stories in this category, but let's use a simple example: your friend calls your girlfriend a bitch.

If you're present when it happens, you definitely need to say something immediately. Something firm but not preachy, like, "Hey, not okay," should do the trick. If your friend tries to laugh it off, make it clear that neither you nor your girlfriend finds it funny. Make sure that your friend apologizes as well.

If you're not there, but your girlfriend reports to you, respectfully confront your friend about it. "Jessica told me that you called her a bitch. What's that all about?" Give your friend a chance to explain him-/herself and/or acknowledge fault. If an apology or admission of guilt isn't forthcoming, make clear that, regardless of the situation, there would have been better, less hurtful, and more respectful ways of dealing with it. Request that your friend apologize to your girlfriend as well.

In the rare instance that your friend relays the story to you first, thank him/her for being honest and recommend that (s)he address the situation with your girlfriend, if (s)he hasn't done so already. Mention the exchange to your girlfriend and discuss the ordeal with her, but only if she's interested in doing so.

Whatever you do, do NOT let it slide. This will have at least one of the following two results, and possibly others:

1. Your girlfriend will be very hurt. She'll conclude that you don't care about her enough to stand up for her, you agree that she's a bitch, and/or you favor your friend over her.
2. Your girlfriend will think that you are spineless and weak. This was your chance to be her knight in shining armor, but instead you cowered while the dragon whisked away your damsel in distress. At this point, she'd rather be with the dragon. At least he's assertive.

Provided that your friendship is healthy, any respectful dialogue with your friend about such an incident will not jeopardize the friendship. Most likely, even if your friend doesn't come to see his/her mistake, (s)he will recognize that you're sticking up for someone whom you care about, and (s)he will feel lucky to have someone like you as a friend, knowing that you would stick up for him/her as well.

Your partner will interpret your actions similarly, recognizing and appreciating them as a display of your love. What could be better than rescuing your girlfriend (or boyfriend!) from a dragon?

If nothing else will convince you, remember the Golden Rule. Would you want your partner to stick up for you if someone, particular one of his/her friends, wronged you?