Go get it or regret it

We have all been there. The cute barista. The guy in the suit on the subway. The blonde in the blue dress on Main Street. The scruffy cowboy sitting at the other end of the bar. You see them. They see you. You make eye contact. You even hold eye contact.

But that’s the end of the story. I don’t know about you, but that’s not a movie that I’d recommend to my friends.

As if the story itself weren’t bad enough, the aftermath is even worse. Regret plagues you at least into the next day: “I cannot believe I didn’t talk to her…” Naturally, you invent scores of witty remarks that you could have made: “Oh, that would’ve been so funny! Aarrrghh!!!!!!” No one else you see compares: “How could I have passed up the opportunity to talk to the guy who is apparently the hottest male in this city?!” You beat yourself up incessantly, wondering why, why, WHY you couldn’t manage to muster the courage to initiate a conversation when you had the chance—and chances are, it was your only chance.

In the moment, of course, the task seems quite daunting: “What do I say? What if I stutter? Could I have something stuck in my teeth? What if he has a girlfriend? What if he completely rejects me?” It therefore becomes very easy to talk yourself out of it: “I don’t even look that cute today. He probably wouldn’t even be interested. A guy that attractive couldn’t possibly NOT already be attached. I don’t even know what to say anyway. I’d probably make a complete idiot out of myself.”

But a minute later, when the opportunity has passed, your mistake is unmistakable: “Wow, really? You just let a gorgeous woman walk out of your life without even speaking to her? Just because you were afraid of a little rejection? Yeah, that’s some substantial justification. Choo choo, Excuse Train, coming through! This is the Coward Cove Station. Next stop, Lonely Land!”

In the absence of a time machine, the only remedy is to learn from your mistakes and make a better decision the next time. When I need a reminder of how to avoid this frustration, I tell myself, “Go get it or regret it.”

When faced with the choice between a) possibly having to swallow my pride at the hands of rejection but possibly getting the chance to bask in the joyous accomplishment of manning up (!) or b) most certainly feeling remorse for an indefinite period of time and most certainly not having a shot with this particular attractive man/woman, I think it’s only logical to choose the former.

Even if you don’t “get it,” you’ll regret it more if you don’t even try. But if you don’t try, you definitely won’t “get it.” So, always remember, go get it or regret it!

Summer date ideas

Something simpler today: date ideas!

Since it's summer right now (well...almost!), I'm going to stick to listing only sun-friendly suggestions, and I'll save the winter date ideas for a later post.

Baseball game. From April through October (if you're lucky), and even in February and March if you live in Arizona or Florida, one of your greatest options is a good old baseball game. First of all, it's something to do, which is a good start, and it's an activity that not only allows for conversation but actually provides the perfect backdrop for it and can even feed it (commentary on the game/players, asking/answering questions about the rules, talking to/about other fans, etc). It's also really inexpensive, particularly in comparison to other professional sporting events. Most box offices sell tickets for under $10, and if your team is bad, you can easily get $5 tickets from scalpers or websites like StubHub. Really, the only risk you run in suggesting this--aside from your date getting beaned by a wayward foul ball--is that the person you're asking doesn't like baseball. And then you wouldn't want to date him/her anyway...... just kidding. If that's the case, (s)he'll probably say so, and then one of you can suggest something else instead.

If your city has an MLS team, you can go to a soccer game instead, but tickets tend to be much more expensive than for baseball games, and the continuous action doesn't lend itself as well to conversation. Still, if your date loves soccer, I'm sure (s)he would be thrilled to go.

Walk. Going for a walk is always sweet and romantic, and you're likely to encounter various points and/or people of interest along the way to prevent any potential monotony. It also obviously facilitates conversation very well, and getting some sunshine while exercising will naturally brighten your mood.

If you're up for it, try going on a really long walk with a destination in mind. It's a challenge and adventure that you can share with your date (probably best with someone whom you've been dating for at least a little while). You can walk farther than you think!

Hike. It's like a walk, but with a particularly outdoorsy leaning. Choose your own preference, and use your judgment to decide which your date would prefer. Or, if you date long enough, you can do both!

Bike ride. Again, absorbing some Vitamin D while increasing your production of endorphins will make you glow inside and out--thereby putting you in perfect condition to make a great impression on your date. While it is possible to have a conversation, it's a little more difficult, so you might want to save this idea for someone whom you've been seeing for a while already and not a first date.

Zoo. It's like going for a walk but with entertainment in the form of intriguing, adorable, scary, ugly, moody, snuggly, stupid, goofy, clumsy, clever, and generally amazing animals. People tend to scoff at this idea at first, passing it off as silly, but I've never heard someone regret going to the zoo--or have anything but a fantastic and fun time.

Fake tourists. Pretend you are tourists in your own city. Go see the sights. Take the tours. Pose at the token photo spots. Eat at the famous restaurants, or use a guidebook or sites like Yelp to find new places to try. Chances are you'll do some things that you've never done before, and you'll have tons of activity to keep you busy and fuel conversation.

Picnic. Unless your date is deathly allergic to bees, this is tough to beat as a date. It sets a great romantic vibe, but not overwhelmingly so, and you can still feel relaxed because the setting is very casual (park, beach, etc). Plus packing your own food is cheaper than going out to eat!

Jog/other outdoor workout. If you fitness buffs out there have found your match, don't be shy about asking him/her to join you for a workout. Some people do strongly prefer to keep exercise a solo activity, but many people enjoy the social and/or competitive aspect of having company. Plus, let's be honest: exercising is sexy! And guys, don't worry about being too sweaty: studies have shown that male sweat actually attracts females.

Play catch, frisbee, ping-pong, etc. There are tons of casual, outdoor sporting activities that you can do, and if you're in a quiet enough area, you can still talk. It might not be the best for a first date, but you definitely can still do it in the getting-to-know-each-other phase. Plus, if you have serious skills, you can show off :) Depending on what you play, you also can insert the flirtatious, competitive aspect into it. One note: outdoor ping-pong can be frustrating in the wind, so pick your spot carefully!

I think you get the idea. Go outside, get some sun, incorporate some physical activity, and make sure that you are able to talk to each other (particularly in the early stages of dating). Every city has its own great date destinations, so make sure to utilize the ones particular to your area.

One more word of advice: please avoid going to a movie for a first--or even second or third--date. It eliminates all chance of conversation and therefore getting to know each other, which is the entire purpose of going on a date. There are countless other options (even in the winter but especially in the summer) that will be a better use of your time and money!

Have fun! Feel free to comment with your own ideas.

Whatever happened to, "Excuse me, may I have this dance?"

To build off of yesterday's post, another offensive tactic to avoid is the blindside grind, i.e. sneaking up behind a woman on the dance floor and starting to grind with her without saying a word or even making eye contact with her. Not only is this disrespectful and a complete violation of personal space considerations, but it is also, of course, creepy. Having a complete stranger rub his junk all over your butt can be uncomfortable enough, so when you haven't even been given the opportunity to see, speak to, or otherwise assess the stranger, it is an even more unpleasant experience.

If respect for the woman's preferences in this situation is not sufficient to deter you from engaging in this behavior, consider the following scenario, played out in an episode of "How I Met Your Mother": At a nightclub, Barney picks out a woman who looks attractive--from behind, anyway, since that's the only view from which he's seen her. He comes up behind her and starts freaking with her. They get down and dirty all night, but when she finally turns around, presumably to start making out with him, they realize in disgust that they are cousins.

In case you missed it, incest is both illegal and gross. You wouldn't want that to happen to you.

I'm sure some of you might be thinking that your only chance of getting a woman to dance with you is by imposing your will upon her and eliminating her opportunity to contribute to the decision. I promise that that is not true. First of all, the blindside grind is not foolproof, as you're likely to encounter many women who, in response to feeling contact on their backside, will turn around and will not be pleased when they discover the explanation for it--nor eager to dance with you. As such, even if your success rate with other tactics isn't perfect, you certainly will have just as much, if not more, success, while possibly laying the foundation for a more lasting interaction. Aside from that, please keep in mind that any guy, including you, can get a girl to not only dance with him but want to dance with him.

And that is the goal: to make a woman want to dance with you. Nobody--neither the giver nor the receiver--wants a pity dance!

Some things to consider:

1. You need to say something. In case I didn't make it clear before, either in this post or yesterday's, being silent is creepy when combined with an ambush of unsolicited physical contact.
   
2. Talking on the dance floor is difficult: the music is loud, so you have to yell right into each other's ears, which doesn't necessarily facilitate dancing, which theoretically is what you should be doing on the dance floor. For this reason, you should try to carry on as much conversation as possible off the dance floor, and keep conversation on the dance floor brief. If you can, approach a woman when she is not on the dance floor, so that you can open her with a comment or question that will lead to a more extended conversation. If you need to approach her on the floor, though, keep it simple: if you can open with a joke, another witty comment, or a funny dance move, that's your best option, but if not, there's nothing wrong with introducing yourself and asking if she'd like to dance. As long as you're friendly and polite, most women won't say no.
3. As long as you're friendly and polite, most women won't say no. I'm reiterating this in order to emphasize that you should not be intimidated! While merely being friendly and polite might not be quite enough to achieve "the goal," you will most likely achieve the intermediate goal of getting a woman to dance with you--and that is important too.
   
4. But some women really do just want to dance with their girlfriends. If you encounter one (or more) of these women, which you inevitably will, please do not take her refusal personally; it really does not have anything to do with you. However, even this type of woman won't mind engaging in a brief dialogue with you, as long as you are polite, but it might be just long enough for her to tell you that she's already dancing with someone--and point to her friends.
5. All women love getting attention from men--including the type described above. Seriously. As utterly irritating and appalling as it is when creeps grab our asses while whispering, "Heeeeyyy" and raising their eyebrows suggestively--and don't get me wrong, we do hate that--somewhere not too deep down, a little voice inside us shouts, "YAY! SOMEONE THINKS I'M ATTRACTIVE! PAAARRRTTAAAYYY!" So if you think a woman deserves attention, by all means, give it to her!
   
6. Some women are bitchy, and all of us act like it on occasion. You also inevitably will encounter a bitch and/or a woman acting like one. Again, don't take her rejection personally, and always keep in mind that you would not want to be involved with someone like that anyway. I know it's a bit cliche, but seriously: her loss, not yours!
   

Possible tactics:

1. Off the dance floor: Open with something from your standard stock--direct approach or anything indirect, such as jokes, situational openers, or anything else that comes to your mind. After you've initiated the interaction and the conversation has been flowing for a bit, you can either ask her right then to dance ("Omg, I LOVE this song! Come dance with me!" "K, this is really embarrassing, but I'm a horrible dancer, so one of my New Year's Resolutions was to practice... Can you show me some moves?" or you can always opt for the simple, "So.. would you like to dance?"), or you can leave the conversation with, "Listen, I gotta get back to my friends, but I'm gonna find you later and we're gonna tear up the dance floor," and then of course follow through with that.
   
2. On the dance floor: As I've said, you want to keep talking to a minimum. If you're a good dancer, it's easy to get a woman's attention: just ease your way over to her general vicinity and start workin' it. Ladies loooove guys who can dance, so don't worry: she will notice. Those of you with two left feet, don't sweat it! The absolute worst thing that you can do is feel self-conscious--your discomfort will be obvious, making her uncomfortable too, and you will convey a distinct lack of confidence, which is the opposite of what will attract a woman! I know that it's easier said than done, but just relax and have a good time. Be crazy and goofy and wild and silly on the dance floor. She may or may not be able to tell that you're no Fred Astaire, but she will be able to tell that you're a boatload of fun.
   

Things to avoid doing:

1. The blindside grind. Do not do it.
   
2. Off the dance floor, if you decide to ask her to dance during the original interaction, make sure you don't ask too soon. You need to build attraction, or at least some general rapport, in order for her to want to dance with you. If you ask her immediately after the perfunctory introductions and greetings, you haven't given yourself a chance to demonstrate why she should want to dance with you; all she knows is that your name is Ben and your night's going well so far. Great... so what?
3. Too many guys (either solo or in a group) try the awkward circle merge, i.e. the joining of dancing groups. This definitely can work, but I've seen it fail way more often than succeed. That is because guys most often do the following: awkwardly and unenthusiastically dance near the girls for a bit while making awkward and confused eye contact with them, and then awkwardly try to start grinding with one of them after having been awkwardly silent the entire time that they've been awkwardly dancing near them. (Are you sensing the theme with this scenario?) Please, whether you are flying solo in the expedition or are buttressed by your buddies, do not do any of that! Instead, make a bold first impression! Bound over to the girls, and maybe even let out a shout while you bust your most dynamic moves. Throw in some crazy facial expressions for good measure. Be prepared for the occasional bitchy reaction ("Omg, who the hell is this guy and what is wrong with him. Let's relocate, gurlz!"), but most normal women will love your fun-loving demeanor and may be inspired to start dancing all out crazily with you. This tactic will serve you the best if you're in a group as well.
   

Can't touch this

Every woman has experienced it: we're fighting through the crowd at a club or bar, and suddenly, we feel a squeeze--on our hand, our arm, or even our butt. We turn around to find the source of this sensation and find a guy, smirking and/or raising his eyebrows suggestively. He could be younger, older, attractive, or disfigured, but at that point, he is invariably one thing: creepy.

Guys, please, I'm begging you: do not do this! There are countless better (i.e. more effective, more respectful, more creative, less creepy, etc) ways to get a woman's attention--well, positive attention, anyway. There isn't really a better way to get a woman's negative attention than grabbing or groping her inappropriately. So, I repeat, do not do this!

Please note that women will not be repelled by all touching from strangers; there is a right way to do it. Below are rules to follow when engaging in physical contact with a woman whom you haven't met. Slightly different rules apply once you are engaged in conversation.

1. Do not grab. grab [grab], verb: to seize suddenly or quickly; snatch; clutch (from Dictionary.com). Do not wrap any part of your body around any part of her body. This includes grasping her hand, squeezing her arm, embracing her, and, yes, grabbing her ass.
2. Do touch gently and briefly. A light touch will get her attention and indicate your romantic/sexual interest, as well as pique her sexual contemplations and get her thinking about what it's like to be skin-to-skin with you (subconsciously, of course). Make it brief, so that she doesn't become creeped out or anxious about when you're going to stop, but not too brief, so that her brain has time to receive the feeling and evaluate it. Also, be sure to touch in such a way that she knows it's intentional--a touch too light and casual will be ignored as a mere brush from someone passing through the crowd.
3. Do not touch her in private areas. By "private areas" I mean face, chest, butt, and nether-region/inner thighs; however, everyone has their own standard of propriety, so to play it safe, stick to the arms only, or just keep your hands to yourself until your conversation has allowed you to reach a further level of comfort.
4. Do try playful touching. An alternative to the sweet, polite arm touch is the playful high-five or even a light kick. Many women will dig the fun, outgoing vibe that this type of behavior exudes, and it's a great way to start the kino escalation process without overtly displaying your interest, if you're not quite ready to do that.
5. Do not accompany touching with mindless and/or creepy drawl. Grabbing a woman's ass as you whisper, "Heeeeyy" into her ear will do nothing but get you slapped. Even if you apply proper touching techniques, however, such as softly but deliberately placing your hand on her arm, opening with, "Daaaamn" will not be effective.
6. Do say something, though. Touching silently is arguably creepier than actually saying something creepy, so make sure that something comes out of your mouth when you touch a woman. First and foremost, it's generally a good idea to follow your touch with "excuse me"--not only will you be being polite, you also will be demonstrating to her that you are polite and well-mannered. Beyond that, your choice about what to say is up to you. You can try the direct approach, in which case you would say something like, "I'm sure you get this all the time, but I saw you from across the room, and I just had to come talk to you. You're so beautiful/I'm seriously digging your vibe. I'm John. What is your name?" Or you can try the indirect approach, in which case there's no limit to what you can choose to say. There's the ever-popular "I need a woman's opinion..." stock of questions, as well as innumerable tried and true openers that PUA's used to use and to which many women would still be receptive. You also can invent your own openers based on your personality and experiences. Whatever you choose, make sure it's clever and unique and can create a foundation for a conversation.
   
7. Smile. There are an infinite number of reasons to do this, but I'll mention just a few. Smiling exudes many positive traits, including confidence, friendliness, and a sense of humor. It's contagious, so she'll be more likely to smile, and trust me, that is what you want. If you touch her without smiling, not only will she not infer your possession of all of those positive characteristics, she also will think either you take yourself too seriously as a "pimp" or you are a rapist.

Remember, a woman will be much more interested in interacting with you if she feels that you respect her.