Winter date ideas

With the solstice having passed and the first snows having fallen, winter is officially upon us! Inventing creative date ideas can be more difficult in the winter, as the weather generally dictates that staying inside is your best bet, which lends itself well to safe but boring dates like dinner or drinks. Hopefully my suggestions below will serve you well, or at least jumpstart your own creative juices to come up with something with your own personal twist. Some of my summer date ideas may still work for you, depending on your climate, weather tolerance, and other individual circumstances, so feel free to refer to those when brainstorming as well.

These are organized into in-home activities and out-of-home activities. In-home activities are typically not suitable for first dates, as inviting someone into your home and going into someone else's home involves a certain level of comfort and intimacy that almost always isn't present on a first date--or even a second or third. Particularly if your date is a woman, be wary of prematurely inviting her to your home, as the level of intimacy may make her feel uncomfortable and/or pressured to move forward sexually.

In-Home Activities
Cooking. This is a fun and effective way to get to know each other and deepen your level of intimacy. You'll be physically close, and working together toward the common goal of successfully whipping up a delicious meal will bring you emotionally close as well. You also may get a bit of insight into how clean and/or organized your date likes to be in the kitchen. And for all you Next Top Chefs out there, cooking side by side with your date provides you with a great way to show off.
Arts and crafts. I know that this sounds silly, and it is, so it isn't a date idea for everyone. For those of you who love to tap into your inner child, if you have a date with a kindred spirit, this could be a great way to decompress from the work week, mix up your routine, and let some of the giggles out. So be creative! Try your hand at origami. Design cards for each other. See who can draw the best (or worst) self-portrait in crayon. Make candy necklaces. Whatever strikes your artistic fancy! It probably would be a good idea to wait to get to know your date a bit before suggesting this, but if you're a child at heart who has been dating someone whom you know to be a child at heart as well, there will be no harm in throwing it out there.
Warm beverages and snuggling. Winter provides an inescapable reason to cuddle, and who doesn't love some homemade hot chocolate or cider to go along with that? Again, this is a date idea only for later dates--once you're decidedly in the snuggling phase.
Board games. This is another idea that isn't for everyone, but if you and your date both do like board games, it's a great way to let loose, do something a little different, and use parts of your brain that have been sitting idly--maybe even breathe some life into a competitive spirit that is typically suppressed during the normal work day. You can also use the competitive aspect to your advantage by putting stakes on the game: for example, loser buys dinner on the next date, gives the winner a massage, or provides some other form of compensation that creates a win-win situation :)

Out-of-Home Activities
Aquarium. This is the winter version of the zoo. Learn something while releasing your inner child and cooing at the captivating creatures.
Ice skating. This is another great way to release your inner child (since you most likely will be surrounded by children) while getting some exercise--all with a potentially romantic twist! (Sadly, in many places, it may be too late to try out this idea, as many rinks close after the holidays.)
Sporting event. The NFL, NBA, and NHL seasons continue through the winter, so if you're lucky enough to live in or near a city that is home to at least one of these teams, and if you and your date are both sports fans, this is a great option, although the cost may be prohibitive to some, so be mindful of this when planning who will foot the bill.
Walk. In the absence of precipitation (or if you two are tough cookies), this idea still works in the winter and is perfect for a first date, honeymoon, or anything beyond or in between.
Volunteering. If you know that you share a passion for service, invite your date to join you at a mutually appealing volunteer opportunity. Assuming that there are other people volunteering with you, you probably won't get a ton of private time--so plan to get some food or otherwise spend some alone time beforehand or afterward--but whatever activity you choose will provide a shared experience, and you'll get a chance to see if and how well your date interacts with strangers, i.e. your fellow volunteers.
Mutually interesting class or lecture. This could be a one-time class/lecture or a series (I would recommend signing up for a series only with someone whom you've been dating for a while and whom you can reasonably expect to continue dating throughout the duration of the series), and the topic could be anything from cooking to economics to traveling to a foreign language to philosophy to politics to anything else that represents a shared interest. This activity doesn't lend itself well to conversation throughout, but it will provide content for discussion afterward, so be sure to plan to extend your date immediately after the class/lecture ends.
Show (or movie...). Most major cities have multitudes of theaters that host a wide range of shows: musicals, plays, comedy tours, concerts, improv--you name it, and in most cases, you can find it. You also, of course, can stick to the more standard version of this option, which is the movie, but I recommend other options, unless your date is a cinephile. Note that a movie is absolutely, 100% NOT recommended as a first date activity. A show can be acceptable, depending on the nature and length--as long as it isn't too controversial (most people don't want to get into a deeply rooted argument on a first date), would have wide appeal (if this is a first date, you probably don't know that much about the other person's tastes), and isn't too long (allowing you time to talk at some point, say, over dinner beforehand and/or drinks afterward), it usually will be okay, but it still may be better saved for a later date.
Museum. This, too, may be better saved for a later date, once you know that your date would be interested in this type of activity, or which particular type(s) of museum (s)he would be most interested in. If there's mutual interest, it will provide a great way for the two of you to get some insight into your date's (and perhaps even your own) perspective on the displayed material and any related topics of discussion that arise in your reviews of the experience.

As always, feel free to post comments, questions, or your own suggestions or experiences! Happy dating!

I resolve to follow through on my New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of year: when people start to give up on their New Year's Resolutions, even though they're not even two weeks into the endeavor! If you're one of these people, please, for your own sake, read this!

Most likely, your problem started a couple of weeks ago, when you first made your resolutions. A number of issues can arise during the creation stage:

1. Your goals are not attainable. Be realistic with yourself. You're not going to be elected President of the United States this November if you've never held public office in your life. Instead, set an intermediate goal that's more achievable in the short-term, such as being elected to your City Council. This may seem like an extreme example, but take a critical eye to your own goals and search for any analogous situations, and try to identify similar possible intermediate goals.
2. Your goals are not easily monitored. Setting a goal to "be a better person" is perfectly admirable, but gauging your progress is nearly impossible. Instead, cite specific behaviors that you'd like to perform more often, such as looking for opportunities to give sincere compliments or making periodic donations to charitable causes. That way, at the end of each day/week/month/another at least somewhat frequent interval, you can check in with yourself. You'll be encouraged to continue with your positive progress, and you'll be able to know exactly what are your greatest opportunities for improvement and how best to attack those.
3. You did not record your resolutions anywhere besides your own brain. Writing down your resolutions is essential to success. If you do not record them in some form, you will forget them, either due to the fallibility of the human memory, or intentionally--that is, because you have nothing but your own conscience to hold yourself accountable, and you know what, screw you, conscience, because I just don't feel like going to the gym today, just like I didn't yesterday and I won't tomorrow. Additionally, making the effort to write them down will ensure that you iron out the precise details of your goals, which will help you to make them both attainable and able to be monitored. If you rely on your memory, you're more likely to settle on something vague like "be a better person" instead of multiple more specific aspects of that general goal.
4. You recorded them, but not somewhere plainly visible or easily accessible. Okay, so you did write them down--great! But you can't for the life of you remember what you titled that Word document or in which folder (or sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-folder) you saved it. Well, that doesn't do you any good. Make sure to save or otherwise store the document (virtual or physical) in a place from which you can painlessly retrieve it when you need to refer to it, or an even better option is to post it on your fridge, at your desk, or somewhere else visible that you regularly visit, so that you have a constant reminder of how you should be behaving and what changes you should be making an effort to realize.
5. Your goals are realistic, but you did not word your resolutions in such a way that facilitate or encourage success. Even if you have a positive, achievable idea for a resolution, poor wording can be your undoing. Of course, one aspect of this consideration is writing them in a way that allows you to monitor your progress, as mentioned above. A comprehensive example of this is setting a goal to lose some amount of weight this year. For our purposes, let's use 30 pounds in this example. This is a perfectly achievable goal. A healthy weight loss goal is to target one pound a week, so with 52 weeks in a year, this even allows for a cushion! But targeting a large, lump sum like that over a long period of time like an entire year is typically not an effective strategy. First of all, it's daunting: 30 pounds is a lot of weight to lose! It's only natural to be intimidated by such a goal and, as a result, to continuously postpone working on it. Even if you go through a period of being very disciplined in your new exercise and diet regimen, you may be slow to see results, and even if you do, they will be incremental and will still leave you what will seem like miles from the finish line and consequently discouraged. Additionally, this large-scale goal is difficult to monitor, as the flexible timing leaves room for multiple slip ups, including even further weight gain, while retaining the ability to say, "It's okay; I'll get back on my diet tomorrow." A better approach is to target losing smaller amounts of weight over shorter periods of time, such as a pound a week, as referenced above. In my opinion, an even better approach is to not target weight loss but rather to set goals for diet and exercise--the causes of weight loss/gain, which is the symptom. As many of you probably know, in order to lose one pound of fat, you must burn 3500 calories more than you consume. Divide this by seven days in a week, and you see that you should net -500 calories per day. You can break this down any way you'd like: eating the same amount and burning an extra 500 calories; eating 250 fewer calories and burning 250 more; etc. Generally, some combination of eating less and burning more is both the easiest kind of change for you to make, because it eliminates any extreme alterations of habit, and the best thing for your body, for the same reason. As such, a great weight-loss resolution to make is to resolve to net -500 calories each day. It's completely attainable, which encourages success, and it's easy to monitor (provided that you take the time to educate yourself about the nutritional content of the food that you're eating, which you should! And be sure to not skimp on vegetables, fruit, and protein! And remember that water has zero calories but infinite health benefits!). Additionally, if you mess up one day, you will be aware of it and able to recover properly, and hey, it's just one day--you can choose to make up for it the next day or simply continue forward with your progress!

If your resolutions pass all of these tests, then you must be struggling in the execution phase. There are several possible issues in this stage as well:

1. You aren't holding yourself accountable. It is so easy to come up with excuses to not do something. Try to remember that you made your resolutions for a reason: these are changes that you wish to see in yourself. As Jim Rohn said, "The ultimate reason for setting goals is to entice you to become the person it takes to achieve them." Focus on the long-term satisfaction of having achieved success in your efforts instead of any short-term pain or unpleasantness that you may (believe that you will) suffer in the process. It will be worth it in the end, but you are the only one who can take responsibility for making these changes.
2. You aren't being realistic in your self-assessment. Perhaps you're monitoring your progress, but your perspective from the inside subjects you to a self-serving bias. However, if, as you're reading this, you feel that you fall into this category, you must have at some point been clued into the fact that you aren't actually achieving your goals--perhaps a friend mentioned to you that you really haven't made any strides toward being a better person, or maybe that stubborn scale is telling you that your calorie consumption estimates are off. Whatever the case, try to continue to consult that outside source, as well as others, for help in monitoring your progress or determining which goals are actually attainable.
3. You're procrastinating. Economic theory tells us that the rational person will quit smoking tomorrow. This strategy allows them to reap both the short-term benefits of enjoying the cigarette today as well as the long-term benefits associated with quitting, such as improved health and eliminated monetary costs. However, in order for this logic to hold, "tomorrow" must come, and the smoker must quit. If you're struggling to come to grips with the fact that your "tomorrow" has arrived, again, try setting intermediate, short-term goals to jumpstart your progress and help you achieve your goals for the year. Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? And doing something for a day is easier than doing it for a year, so take it day by day, and before you know it, 365 of them will have passed, and you will have achieved your goal.
4. You aren't deliberately setting aside time and/or energy to your cause. Your extra weight won't disappear by itself; achieving any goal takes a certain amount of dedication on your part. Be sure to set aside time each day (or some other frequent interval) to assess your status. What do I need to do to reach my goal? Is this a realistic goal? Am I mentally, physically, and emotionally committed to achieving it? What progress have I made so far? Am I on track? How can I improve my performance? What has caused any missteps so far? Am I making excuses for myself? What are my upcoming intermediate goals? Are there any external forces looming imminently that may disrupt my progress, and how can I stymie their potential effects? Regularly asking yourself these questions (and others that are more specific to your particular goals) will ensure that you are taking responsibility for keeping yourself on track.

I hope that these suggestions help you to achieve your goals and become the person that you want to be! As always, let me know if you have any questions or comments. Good luck, and happy New Year!

Listen to this

Listening is a highly undervalued skill in today's society. As far as I can tell, this is a result of several social phenomena: television has ruined our attention spans such that we are unable to focus on anything for longer than five minutes without expecting a commercial break; texting, email, Twitter, and Facebook have nearly eliminated the existence of verbal communication in many people's lives; and the rampant vanity in our culture has made the norm being too wrapped up in one's own life and thoughts to take an interest in anyone else's. The irony is that now, more than ever, the value of listening is at a premium, since the world is swirling with more accessible information than ever before.

That being said, however, listening has always been, and always will be, of utmost importance in interpersonal relationships. First and foremost, it's a sign of respect, and it also facilitates productive communication, which is a requirement of a healthy relationship of any kind--professional, social, romantic, etc. Being a good listener will benefit you in all aspects of your life; the only way that it might "hurt" you is that you might be better able to tell when someone else is doing something hurtful to you--like not being a good listener. But in the end, the ability to detect that will benefit you as well, as you'll know when it's time to kick someone to the curb.

Note that there is a difference between hearing and listening: you can hear something without listening to it. Riding the subway and checking your email, you will hear the din of the train and the murmur of the conversations around you, but you won't be listening to them; your brain will be focused on the content of your emails. Likewise, if your partner is talking to you, but you're preoccupied with what you're going to wear for your big meeting tomorrow, you might be able to hear him/her, and maybe even repeat back the most recent sentence or two that (s)he said, but you will not have actually absorbed, registered, or understood your partner's point, and come tomorrow, you probably won't be able to recall it.

Try to actively practice listening. Consciously control your mind, preventing yourself from becoming distracted from the words and message of the person speaking. If you're aware enough, you may be able to track when or why you tend to get distracted and maybe even detect a pattern that can then help you to know how to best prevent distraction (but don't let this practice disrupt your listening). When you do sense your mind wandering, consciously tell yourself (but not out loud!), "No! Pay attention to what this person is saying! Don't be rude!" or whatever else will motivate you to listen.

One of the tactics that I find to be the most helpful in being a good listener is to make eye contact with the person who is speaking. This will indicate to your brain that this is where you should direct your focus, and it also might make you feel guilty or uncomfortable if your mind starts to wander, knowing that the person speaking is "watching" you become distracted--and I'm sure that you know as well as I do that it really isn't that hard to tell whether or not someone is listening.

Being a good listener is a prerequisite of being a good conversationalist. You may be skilled at coming up with topics to discuss or stories of your own to share, but if you aren't attuned to what the other person is contributing in response, your choices about where to lead the conversation will not make sense, and your lack of attention will be reflected--and noted. Listen to what (s)he is saying, and thoughtfully consider his/her point prior to and while formulating your own response. This may seem like Communication 101 to some of you, but I know that there are others to whom this is news--and that's okay! Just follow this advice from here on out.

In a relationship, one of the most convincing ways to show your affection is to listen to, remember, and act upon something that your partner has said--her favorite type of cereal, a book that he's been wanting to read, her favorite place to go when it rains. This will demonstrate that you care and respect him/her enough to not only listen to what (s)he says but also actually do something with him/her in mind. You will be rewarded with love and affection in kind, as well as a thriving relationship.

So go put those ears to work! As always, let me know if you have any questions/comments/suggestions/stories/etc :)

Do's and don't's of asking someone out

Although I would identify getting someone's number as the apex of the meeting/flirting/dating process, I've noticed that an appallingly significant number of people struggle with what I would consider the home stretch: asking the person out. There is no singular right way to do it, but there certainly are (very) wrong ways to do it.

There are two factors to consider in the way that you ask someone out: medium and content.

Medium

• Asking in person or over the telephone is preferable--almost to the point of exclusive acceptability.
• Texting is NOT okay. Do NOT text to ask someone out. If you have his/her number, call. Calling will demonstrate your confidence and that you respect the person enough to make the effort.
• Use Facebook only if you have no other way to contact the person. Send a message; do NOT do anything public like write on his/her wall or post a status. Ideally, you would send a message asking for his/her number so that you could then call to properly ask him/her out, but if you feel that that would unduly complicate the situation, just keep it to the one step.
• Do NOT tweet. This may sound absurd to some (hopefully most or all) of you, and I certainly never thought that I'd have to explicitly discourage this behavior--until it happened to me. Again, only if you have no other way of contacting the person, send him/her a direct message (or, if (s)he doesn't follow you, tweet at him/her asking for a follow so that you can send a DM--but keep in mind that if you are connected to this person only through Twitter and (s)he doesn't even follow you, you might want to think twice about how appropriate it would be for you to ask him/her out).
• Bottom line: choose a medium that allows your request to be private, sincere, and respectful.

Content 

• Propose a specific plan, including both activity and time frame. If you feel that this is not sufficiently accommodating, you can propose two alternative activities and time frames, or, if, for example, you suggest dinner and a particular show, you can let your date choose where to go for dinner, since you chose the show. Of course, let your date know that if this plan is not pleasing to him/her, (s)he can feel free to suggest something else. Here are some examples: "I'd really like to [take you out to dinner and a show at Jazz Alley] [take you to see the Medieval Ivory Chessmen exhibit at the Met and then to dinner] [take you to lunch and then go to a pumpkin patch] [take you to brunch and then to the zoo]. Would [Tuesday] [Saturday] [or you can suggest multiple days] work?"
• Do NOT say something vague and half-assed like, "So when are we getting together?" or "So when are we gonna go out?" You might prefer this tactic because you think that it seems casual and fun or something, but it is not a proper method--there are other ways to convey these attributes, which you should have done already.
• Going the specific plan route as opposed to the open-ended, "Would you like to go out with me on Wednesday?" route demonstrates your creativity, personality, and, as always, confidence. As described above, you can be accommodating without being boring or weak. Use as much information as you have about your date when choosing which activity to propose--for example, if you know that (s)he likes sports, suggest getting dinner and drinks while watching the game in a bar/restaurant, and if you know that (s)he hates sports, don't suggest this!

Good luck! As always, contact me if you have any questions!

Holla at me

My point today is short and sweet: when you see someone you want to talk to, do it!

Think about it: this holds true whether you know the person or not. For example, if you had something that you needed to tell your friend, and you saw your friend, wouldn't you talk to him? Of course you would--you would say what you needed to tell him.

The same attitude should be taken in regard to talking to that dreamy blonde you see at the other end of the bar or that gorgeous brunette you see across the produce section.

I can hear you arguing with me. "But I don't really have anything to say to him/her! Well, except, 'DAYUM, shorty!!'"

There are two possible responses to this:

1. True: the only thing that you have to say is that you find that person very attractive. Okay... so say THAT! In other words, use the direct approach. Most people will find this easier in a venue like a bar rather than a grocery store, but it works everywhere. Seriously. I had a guy use the direct approach on me in Barnes and Noble the other day. Surely, it isn't the most graceful tactic, but that doesn't mean that it isn't effective.
2. False: there are tons of other things that you can say. Use your imagination! Of course, the more clever and witty it is, the better, but your goal isn't to bring the house down; fundamentally, your goal is to engage that person, and in that sense, it does not matter what you say. I know that can be tough to keep in mind, but saying, "Gosh, doesn't this lettuce look great?" and then launching into a description of the salad that you're planning to make truly is better than saying nothing; after all, if you talk about the lettuce, you've achieved your goal of engaging the person, whereas if you say nothing, you have failed.

Of course, we cannot ignore the possibility of adverse circumstances, which would apply to the scenario involving your friend as well. Let's say you need to tell your friend something in private, but he is with a bunch of other people and you can't get him alone, or you see him but can't catch up to him to actually speak to him. These sorts of complications inevitably will arise in your attempts to talk to individuals of interest, and sometimes they are insurmountable. Other times, however, we allow them to be insurmountable when we really could have taken other actions to circumvent them. In the friend scenario, your need to speak with him may not be urgent, and you know that you will have another opportunity to communicate, whether in person or via another medium; he is not about to leave your life forever. As such, if a small obstacle presents itself, it may be a poor use of your time and energy to attempt to get around it.

On the other hand, chances are that you will not have another opportunity to engage a stranger, so you'd better step up to the plate now. Do not trick yourself into thinking that "not having anything funny to say" is a legitimate, insurmountable reason to not talk to someone. Always remember: go get it or regret it. Time for a sports analogy: you can either sit on the bench or go to bat; you may strike out and end up right back on the bench anyway, but you may hit a homerun, and either way, stepping into the box will most assuredly better prepare you for your next at-bat than will watching from the dugout. Do not allow fear of failure to become an obstacle to success. Rather, embrace opportunities to challenge yourself. Succeeding will be that much more rewarding if it is achieved through difficulty, and even if you don't accomplish your goal per se, you will have learned something in the process, will have grown as a person, and will be ready for the next test.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...

In all likelihood, if you find someone attractive, other people do, too, in one way or another. This means that you will need to compete for your target's attention, with your "competition" being comprised of other potential pursuers, his/her friends, and really anyone else who happens to be around.

There are three ways to deal with this: the right way, the wrong way, and the really wrong way.

The right way
Befriend your competition. Display your amiability by introducing yourself to your target's entire group of friends, shaking each person's hand, and making a mental note of everyone's name. This will minimize your potential creep factor, make you less intimidating, and make everyone more likely to welcome you. Also, keep in mind that his/her friends do ultimately have a say in whether or not you get the number (and/or get laid), so you want them on your side.

This applies particularly to the members of the group who are the same sex as you--you'll display massive confidence by chumming up to them, and if you get their vote of approval, your target will notice and factor that into his/her own decision.

If there are other pursuers around, befriend them as well--after all, you might not be able to tell the difference between friends and pursuers when you first approach the group. Again, this will show your confidence as well as create an opportunity for these pursuers to mess up and choose to behave in the wrong or really wrong way--which makes you look that much better.

The wrong way
Be apathetic. Maybe smile or maybe even acknowledge others in the group, but generally do not actively engage them. This will make you look boring and diffident--i.e. not attractive.

The really wrong way
Antagonize your competition. Actively prevent other people (particular those of your sex) from talking to your target. Completely ignore his/her friends or others around. You will seem possessive, jealous, and immature. Avoid these behaviors by all means and at all times.

"Apology accepted, Captain Needa..."

Uh oh: you did something that upset someone else. That person is angry, confused, offended, sad, etc--and those emotions were caused by and/or are directed at you. Now what?

1. Assess the situation. How did the dispute arise? What specifically did you say or do that evoked the negative response from the other person? What were your reasons/motivations for saying or doing this? Did you intend to or knowingly elicit the negative reaction, or was there a misunderstanding?
2. Swallow your pride. This step might be required mostly for those who are not practiced at apologizing--it does get easier the more you do it; however, I know that I still encounter the occasional situation where I have to dig deep to convince myself to step up to the plate and just spit it out. You can do it!!!!!!
   
3. Apologize. Once you have the situation straight in your head, you can know exactly what it is for which you are apologizing. A couple of notes on this: a) Apologize only when you are sorry; do not say that you're sorry only because you think that the other person wants to hear that. While it may diffuse this particular situation, it will dilute your apologies, rendering them meaningless in the long term. b) Apologize only for the action/event for which you are sorry. For example, if you agree that your words/deeds put you in the wrong, apologize for them; however, if you do not believe that, then simply apologize for creating a negative situation, and go on to try to clarify your words/actions. c) Saying, "I'm sorry," as opposed to a mere, "Sorry," sounds much more sincere--opt to use the former.
   
4. Discuss and/or explain as necessary. Never ruin an apology with an excuse; however, it might be appropriate to clear up a misunderstanding or explain your intentions.
5. Avoid these actions in the future. Remember, actions speak more loudly than words: your apology will seem empty if your behavior doesn't change. When I was younger, I did something to my brother that I had done before and knew he didn't like. I apologized afterward, but he responded, "If you were really sorry, you wouldn't have done it in the first place." Saying that you're sorry without modifying your actions is equivalent to lying; therefore, continuing to do or say something that you know will upset someone else and for which you have apologized in the past is not only inconsiderate but also dishonest--and should be avoided. If you can find no other motivation to refrain from engaging in such behavior, try to remember the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Apologizing is not easy, as it requires (implicitly or explicitly) admitting that you were wrong, but it can do wonders for a relationship of any kind. Refusing to apologize can turn a non-issue into a catastrophic division, whereas apologizing, even for something that may have been brushed under the rug regardless, helps to build trust and mutual respect.